Down-phased

Not really the purpose of this space, especially given that I have posted so little of what I intended thus far. (although there are part-written pieces waiting to be finished up and posted here at some point!)

I do want to talk a little about the status quo though... just because things are quite bleak right now!

Had a huge issue with the hubling today. Baby came downstairs saying he needed me quickly... there was no preparation for what met me, though.

He just looked so old, frail and lifeless - I mean, he's only bloody 46, yet I've seen healthier looking 80 year olds!

Today he really has reached a new low... it has always been a matter of pride that in spite of needing so much help there are certain things he doesn't ever want me to have to assist with - toiletting obviously being one of them. So it was that after I had helped with changing clothes and taking medications (things he can usually do without assistance) I came downstairs only to hear a thud on the floor. He had attempted to get to the bathroom alone, but collapsed part-way and couldn't get up.

Now this is not the first time I have had to help him off the floor. It happens often, maybe twice a month or so, and generally the only help I need to give is supporting him as he gets himself up. This is different, though - he literally had nothing to give. I had to actually lift his full weight and then get him back to the bedroom whilst he could bear no weight at all... no mean feat I can tell you! (especially given that he weighs around 15 stone and I am a little on the short-arsed side!)

So that is where we are right now if anyone wants to know... writing this out actually makes me feel a little better about things... well as much as one can, I guess... but for now I just need to deal with what lies ahead.


Much as it pains me to admit - he begged me to pass his box of pills so he could take them all and for just a moment, I contemplated doing just that... part for the selfishness of not having to deal with all the shit any more but as much because he just needs an end to all this suffering.

It kills me to watch him go through this - and each dip seems deeper and grimmer - I just wonder how many more of these down-phases either of us have it within to deal with.