Away from home

Readers of my main blog will be very much aware that I have spent the past couple of months working with the Cardiff Comedy Festival on advertising their upcoming shows and as such I just spent a week in the city helping out a little and watching some of their shows. I had a great time, but before writing up the businessy part of the trip I felt the need to stop by here and process some of the personal stuff that has come out of it... least of all because some of it is relevant to the stumbling block I had reached in my current main project...


Before going away, I had some discussion over my love-less existence and the fact that some friends were suggesting that I should consider making the most of the time away from home to have some no-strings fun... thing is, as I said before going - that's really not me. I will be honest, although I do genuinely believe there is never an excuse for cheating on a partner regardless of how bad the relationship seems to be there was a small part of me that did consider it - I mean, 10 years is indeed a long time... but as I said before, it's not the act of sex itself that I really miss - more the closeness... and some platonic man-hugs from a very dear friend before going away kind of helped quell that need.

Obviously, there are other aspects of closeness still short of intercourse which cannot be replicated in a platonic way - but as time goes by I have become so used to not having these things that it sometimes feels
I have forgotten them altogether.

But here is the thing - quite honestly, on leaving the home I was not quite sure what I was going to do should the opportunity arise... much as I hold true to my principles, sometimes physical need outstrips that.

I had no idea what I was really going to do until I found myself in conversation with a guy who after chatting for a while suddenly asked "Are you single?" - not as simple a question as it seems... because yes, in the truest sense I am single... not that I answered that way, of course... I found myself throwing out the most obscure phrase I have ever heard of spoken:

"Well, there is a man I am contractually obliged to spend the rest of my life with, but...um... technically... "

Of course had he asked what he really wanted to know, my answer would have been easier... but such is the human condition, I guess, that we never say what we really mean.

But anyway... I didn't. That's what you really want to know, isn't it.

Having returned I am starting to wonder if that was the right choice, but I have to wonder at whether I could have returned to this life otherwise...


See here's the thing:

I left in a flurry of "Say hello to your boyfriend for me" and other suggestions... this after his having made a big show of pretending to be incredibly supportive. I think he suspected I would cancel, but having lost a deposit on a previous trip I cancelled due to his childish whinery I really wasn't going to back out of this one.

I returned to a heap of laundry which has taken 3 days to clear so I can wash my own from the trip, every oven dish dirty and left scattered about the kitchen, cups and glasses left all over the house... not the hub-creature's fault as he spends his time upstairs, but it imediately solidified my Cinderella-type existence within the homestead.
I went right back to my place sleeping on the sofa and life recommenced exactly as before I had left.
Night two and baby comes downstairs saying "Daddy is wondering if you are sleeping in bed with him tonight. I think maybe he's lonely"

But here is the thing - if I suddenly returned from a trip and started sharing a bed with him, I am sure his reaction would have been something along the lines of that I had slept with someone whilst away and that was why I had changed and I don't need those kind of accusations. Regardless,I thought I would make the effort to at least get on so I went upstairs to spend a little time with him... only to be ignored whilst he sat talking to the children and messed around on his computer. I sat for around twenty minutes before giving up hope of being noticed and went back downstairs.


But anyway - much piff and waffle and I have other stuff to write about...

Just suffice it to say that I am feeling more lonely and put upon than before, spending more time pondering over my options such as they are.


Conclusions I have been able to draw from my trip, though:

I am more capable of city living than I previously thought
Cardiff men make me happy-cry (seriously - in ten years I have never cried, yet four different men made me cry last week!)
I need more than ever to go live in Wales
I can rely on no-one but myself!

Oh and no-one in Wales speaks Welsh! Which was disappointing as I thought I would get to practice a little, but the only Welsh I heard was a little girl screaming "I WANT ICE-CREAM" in a cafe queue... and I wasn't about to start a conversation with her!


But anyway - much thinking, much planning, much decision-making!