Abyss

If I'm completely honest, I'm really not functioning at all well.

Hub has had his surgery, pulled through ok but is chronically ill in the most worrying way. I guess part of me felt that it would be simpler if he just didn't wake up, that it would all be the responsibility of someone else so I'd be spared the bullshit that comes with the whole experience. After just one night in the hospital though, hub was released and again all duties fell to me. It's been a truly pissy phase to be honest. He was released with no paperwork, none of the usual care instruction, no list of concerns to look out for; just a handful of dressings and a pack of sterile swabs he swiped from his beside cupboard whilst packing his bags.

And he's been ill. Very ill in fact.

Surgery was on Monday, home on Tuesday. Wednesday I called our GP. She was lovely, but also had no information as the hospital had neglected to send them any paperwork either. Nevertheless, she was immensely helpful and reassuring.

A week after surgery, however, and he is still just as ill. He is vague and confused much of the time, weak and frail and looking much like a man twice his age and in spite of things being as they have been between he and I, to watch his daily struggle to breathe against the pain is hurting me in a way I can't possibly describe. I prayed long and hard for a peaceful end, if this is to be it, then it is anything but peaceful.

So no, I'm really not coping well. A week of watching someone fight to survive, having to lift him several times a day just so he can shuffle into a less uncomfortable position, having to ignore pleas to hand over full boxes of medication and having to comfort children who lack the capacity to process the emotion is all taking its toll in a way I couldn't possibly explain. Right now, I feel that I am drowning.

I am not sure how much it will take to break me completely.