Pick-me-up

I feel I should post something as a follow-up to my last post - much as to let you all know we are hanging in there really.

Things are very much the same. Hub talks a grand talk of getting up and doing things, but his focus is on big things which are far beyond him - therefore rather than being the motivator, I am demoted to enabler. I have to spend my time saying "No, you can't do that!" "If you try that you will hurt yourself!" "STOP THAT NOW!!"

Of course, the cynic in me wants to suggest he knows full well what he is doing - especially given that he only ever tries to do things when I am around to stop him, but who am I to cast aspersions?



Yesterday, child one had her induction session at college. It's in the city an hour's drive away. I figured as we were travelling so far it would be good to hang out for a bit.

I suggested hub might want to come along just for the ride - a change of scenery, some quality time with the kids. Part of me really wanted him to but I'll be honest there was a part that secretly hoped he'd say no because I doubted he'd be up to walking around the museum. I also thought a day out with the focus not entirely on what his condition allowed us to do would be good for the girls.

He said he'd come.


As we went to leave, though, he decided he wouldn't; everyone was privately glad, although noone shared as much!


So knowing that child's appointment was 10-11, he called at 1045 to ask how long we'd be and to announce his intention to take all his medication as the pain was too much.

And much as I understand how the pain drags him down, I am ashamed to admit that all I could feel was anger. At best, I could be with him in 75mins; that would be too late if he was thinking of doing it.

So rather shamefully, I said nothing to the children and continued with plans to hit up the museum.

I'll explain why: I have NEVER taken my children to the museum because I had assumed they would find it boring. All I could ever think was the way I had things over-explained to me when we went to such places and I couldn't bear putting my girls through such a dull experience. Yet when I had tentatively said "We could do something, I don't know, the museum maybe" they had ALL cheered. They all wanted to go. They were all keen on an activity I had suggested. This is a big deal. So I took a chance; called his bluff, maybe.

I figured if he did it, there would be no difference whether I left as soon as Child one returned from her appointment or if we spent a couple of hours in the museum first.


We had a thoroughly great time, arrived home to find hub still very much alive and all was well.


So that's where we are at.

Maybe I'm not painting him in a great light... to clarify: He IS in a lot of pain. He IS unable to get around properly. He IS unable to bath himself, dress himself and occassionaly toilet himself.

But NOT truly suicidal or completely helpless.




Me? I have been struggling, I'll be honest. It's difficult to be a good mother to my children when every time they are in the midst of pouring out their hearts he summons me to apply moisturiser or rub his leg. Child One thinks he does it deliberately; I spend a lot of time defending his actions, trying to play down what he does. I would never tell her I feel the same way she does - after all, this is her dad, the only one she will ever have. If the end is near I do not want her to have hatred in her heart.

I've also not worked much. Again, it is so difficult to knuckle down when I know that as the words start to flow I will be summoned. I have phonecalls to make, but I don't need the interrogation after so put them off; there are things I have been asked to watch and write about, but I don't know if I have it within me to find the funny so it doesn't seem fair; I've been offered tickets to a couple of shows, but getting out - you know how that goes...


But anyway - the fact that I'm writing anything here shows you I am on the way up. I feel like I've clawed my way to the top of the well-shaft, I am just clawing at the dirt to stay in place.

Waiting for a knight in shining armour to reach down a hand and pull me clear of the hole altogether, but I'll not hold my breath!